The Importance of Agency: How to Stop Being a Victim of Your Circumstances
When life feels like it’s happening to you, agency can feel out of reach. If you’ve been caught in patterns of people‑pleasing, over‑functioning, shutting down, or replaying the same painful dynamics, it doesn’t mean you’re weak or broken. It means parts of you learned protective strategies to get through. With trauma‑informed care and gentle psychological insight, you can move from helplessness to healthy authorship of your life.
Agency isn’t control over everything. It’s the growing capacity to choose your responses, set clear boundaries, and act in alignment with your values—even when circumstances are hard. This article offers an integrative, compassion‑first roadmap drawing on nervous system regulation, psychodynamic understanding, and Transactional Analysis (TA) to help you reclaim your inner authority at a pace that feels safe.
Why agency gets blocked (by the unconscious states)
From a trauma‑informed lens, your mind and body prioritise safety. When you’ve experienced stress or relational pain, your system may default to survival patterns like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
Psychodynamically, protective parts take on roles early in life to secure love and safety; those roles can become rigid in adulthood. In Transactional Analysis terms, we may get stuck in unhelpful ego‑state patterns, overusing Critical Parent or Adapted Child, and lose access to our centred Adult.
Common signs agency is muted include feeling coerced by “shoulds,” saying yes when you mean no, waiting for others to change before you can feel okay, or telling yourself “this is just who I am.”
Good news is, these are learned strategies, not life sentences. And if it can be learned, it can be unlearned.
A gentle framework for reclaiming agency
Start where you are. We’re not forcing change—we’re cultivating safety so choice becomes possible.
Reconnect with your regulated Adult
Your Adult ego state is the grounded, present part of you that can reality‑test, feel and think, and make wise choices.
When stress rises, try a 60‑second reset to help your Adult come online: look around the room and name five colours; press your feet into the floor; breathe in for four and out for six; place a hand on your chest and whisper, “With me.”
When you notice Critical Parent (“You’re failing”) or Adapted Child (“I must keep the peace at any cost”), acknowledge them kindly: “Thank you for trying to protect me.” Then ask, “What would my Adult choose here?”
Name the old script and write a new one
In TA, we speak about life scripts: early decisions about ourselves and the world that quietly drive behaviour. Common scripts include “I must be perfect to be loved,” “My needs don’t matter,” or “It’s safer to stay small.” Write the headline of your current script in a sentence. Then craft a re‑decision from your Adult, aligned with your values: “I can be human and worthy,” “My needs are valid,” “It’s safe to be seen in the right places.”
Work with the body so the new script can land
Agency lives in sensation as much as thought. Pair new beliefs with regulation so your nervous system can receive them. Try a round of gentle EFT (tapping) when you feel pulled back into old roles: “Even though a part of me fears saying no, I’m open to feeling safe enough to choose.” Tap through points with phrases like “This old script,” “Body keeping me safe,” “Adult choice now,” “Safe enough to set a boundary.”
Upgrade your boundaries; Kind, clear, consistent
Boundaries are not punishments; they are conditions for connection. Use the Adult voice: warm and firm. Try this structure: “When X happens, I feel Y. Going forward, I will Z.” For example, “When plans change last minute, I feel overwhelmed. Going forward, I’ll confirm 24 hours ahead or reschedule.” Expect discomfort at first; discomfort is not danger.
Shift the life position
TA describes four relational positions:
I’m OK/You’re OK (healthy),
I’m not OK/You’re OK (one‑down),
I’m OK/You’re not OK (one‑up),
I’m not OK/You’re not OK (collapse).
Notice where you tend to land under stress. Gently practice moving to I’m OK/You’re OK by pairing self‑support (“I am learning; I am worthy”) with other‑regard (“They’re human too; I can choose what’s right for me”).
Bring curiosity to repeating dynamics
Psychodynamically, we often repeat early relational patterns (transference) hoping for a new outcome. If you notice “same story, different person,” pause.
Ask:
What role am I taking (rescuer, persecutor, victim)?
What do I hope will finally happen?
What would Adult me do differently this time?
Often, a small new behaviour (asking a clarifying question, delaying a decision, naming a need) begins the repair.
Make one contract with yourself
In TA, clear contracts create safety. Choose one small, specific, measurable commitment for the next seven days that increases agency by 5–10%. Examples: “I will pause and breathe before replying to messages after 6pm,” “I will ask one trusted person for help this week,” “I will practise the boundary script once.” Keep it humane.
A daily 2‑minute agency practice
Each day, ask:
What do I actually feel?
What do I actually need?
What is one compassionate action I can take?
Take it, then acknowledge yourself: “I chose that.”
Gentle journalling prompts
Which part of me feels most in charge when I’m stressed;
Critical Parent, Adapted Child, or Adult?What did saying yes/no protect me from in the past?
What could saying yes/no protect now?If my inner compass had a sentence for me today, what would it say?
You don't have to be a victim of your past... or your present
Agency is not about perfection, bravado, or going it alone. It’s a steady relationship with yourself, built on self‑trust, repair, and clear choices. Step by step, you can move from protection to participation, living from your values with warmth and courage.
If you’d like a hand to begin, I’ve created a free resource to support you.
Download your free Inner Compass Agency Report: a customised report that assesses where you're currently at with boundaries and sense of agency.
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